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Old Mar. 16, 2017, 11:06 AM   #1981
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Yeah like I don't know much about cars but I know that transmissions are fucking expensive to fix
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the only thing id like to say in regards to it is that like ive said before i think it bears reminding that white or i guess in this case cis babyism is a thing that shouldnt be trivialized
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Old Mar. 16, 2017, 01:16 PM   #1982
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Generally speaking transmissions are replaced rather than fixed. It's honestly cheaper that way.

But yeah, that blows, man. I'm assuming they're holding it for ransom now?
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Old Mar. 16, 2017, 03:04 PM   #1983
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Default Re: zp life update thread

If you want car help, send me a pm via Facebook. My boyfriend is a car maniac and he loves helping people with car issues. I wish you the best.
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Old Mar. 16, 2017, 06:46 PM   #1984
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Default Re: zp life update thread

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i mean dont park your car in gear then
It was probably an automatic transmission.
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Old Mar. 17, 2017, 11:47 AM   #1985
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Default Re: zp life update thread

i havent life updated in a while. i will try to be brief

i used to be really sad all the time, probably from legitimate clinical depression. maybe starting about mid 2014 through most of 2016. suffice to say 2015 was no fun. that said, ive been feeling sorta... not sad? lately. "not sad" is a poor way to put it, more like numb i guess. whatever sadness i had callused over. i dont feel "good" or whatever but anxiety is way low. the consequence is that my will to improve my life is even lower than it was when i was depressed. my living conditions are pretty awful and i dont really go out to see my friends anymore. i just sorta dont care. i wake up in a nest of filth and i go to work and i come home to a nest of filth and its just there. like for example i havent washed this hoodie since i got it for my birthday, which was november 3rd. its gross. i dont take it off. its like linus' blanket. if im not wearing it i sorta FREAK OUT. its fucking bizarre, like as a rational human being i can separate from myself and understand that its bad and that i need to turn it around, like in this very post, but also ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

i guess that means im still depressed, but that its just taken on an all new form. like a dragon ball z villain. or maybe this is just what happens when you turn 30. idk. but ive gone from wanting to kill myself to simply letting myself die through the mundane attrition of daily negligence. perhaps thats a step in the right direction, and i can mark this as improvement. when i inevitably succumb to heart disease and die in my sleep, the fire department is going to knock my door down and it's going to be like what you see in movies and news stories, like its going to be all gross and dusty as if my apartment was abandoned for years. but it wasnt abandoned, i just stopped taking care of myself

i guess one issue is, i dont really see any reason why i should get better. like the motivation isnt there. who am i trying to impress? i live alone, my friends already all accept what i am and dont care, im not in a relationship, my family all live on the other side of the county. i dont really do anything unless im doing it for someone else, and even then i do a really poor job of it. if its just me, like if the only person that is affected by change is myself, then its not getting done. ive never had that motivation, yknow? im not even sure what to reference, what to tap into, so i cant even fake it. ive literally never experienced the desire to improve. its an alien concept. even as a child i would just kind of sit there and rot

anyway thats about it. ive taken to drinking a lot of yuengling. im a yuengling guy now. its the best of the Basic Beers, right? like too cheap to be fancy but not cheap enough to be shit. plus its tasty
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Old Mar. 17, 2017, 12:12 PM   #1986
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Yeah depression definitely has those like phases or waves where it goes between your brain just screaming HEY IDIOT DIE ALREADY at you to like just not being able to feel feelings, positive or negative, of any kind and all the little nuanced shifts of self-hatred in between are kind of a fun adventure in their own right

Mine actually kinda goes in cycles which probably says something about the effects of hormonal birth control which ugh different conversation

Re: motivation to 'get better,' I mean Poe had some Pokemon-related advice in that other thread that was maybe actually useful but I don't know enough Pokemon lore to be sure

At the least maybe you could wash some of your other clothes

Me I like a crisp freshly laundered shirt that fits all nice and snug and hasn't gotten all stretched out and sweaty

Although I guess wearing clean clothes is part of that whole 'pretend to be a person who isn't depressed' charade that I like to keep up so if your own filth is more of a comfort then who am I to judge
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Old Mar. 17, 2017, 08:56 PM   #1987
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Default Re: zp life update thread

You've read Hyperbole and a Half, right, Tom? You've read Hyperbole and a Half.

I know enough, mostly just from that blog, to know that you can't just talk a person out of depression. But I hope you remember that it can and does get better. It just takes time. Some day you're going to see a (probably metaphorical) little piece of corn hiding under a refrigerator, and things are going to start to be OK again.

I hope that day comes soon. But also, in the meantime, remember that there's a bunch of stuff you can do to manage the illness if you talk to someone who can treat it. Just food for thought.
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Old Mar. 17, 2017, 09:37 PM   #1988
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Yeah symuun's right (except about the corn thing??? I mean things are never going to be ok the human condition is a horror show) see a psychiatrist tell them what's wrong, get drugs. Like start trying to do it right now if you can tbh, even if it's not something you want to do because psychiatrists are full up on patients and it's impossible to get an appointment since everybody is a mess so like it'll probably take time before you find one and even if you do the appointment will be like atleast a month or two off

Tom you're a really good person and everybody likes you and wants you to get better

And Yuengling is allright, it's like America's Heineken
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the only thing id like to say in regards to it is that like ive said before i think it bears reminding that white or i guess in this case cis babyism is a thing that shouldnt be trivialized

Last edited by freepooper; Mar. 18, 2017 at 01:17 AM.
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 06:28 AM   #1989
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Some day you're going to see a (probably metaphorical) little piece of corn hiding under a refrigerator, and things are going to start to be OK again.
Is...is this a British colloquialism? I've never heard this.

Anyway, yeah, there's no way to talk someone out of being clinically depressed. It'd be neat if you could, but yeah. And if I'm being honest, short of dismissing a person's depression as being anything other than a big deal, or worse yet, trying to one up their depression (why why why do people do this?), simply telling someone that it gets better is...kind of handwavy.

(This isn't a jab at you, symuun. I know your heart's in the right place.)

I can definitely relate to Tom's emotional numbness, though. Somehow, it's worse than simply being sad. At least when you're sad or angry, things don't just go by in an unidentifiable blur, you know?

Usually, what helps me is to force myself to focus on something. Me being me, it's usually some dumb little project that ultimately won't be seen by anyone other than myself, but the simple act of making something can (sometimes) give me a sense of purpose. It's not much, but it keeps me squarely on the sane side of the spectrum, if only just.

And I guess if that fails there's always Paxil or Prozac or Celexa. I try to avoid seeking help in all things because I'm a prideful idiot, but listen to this prideful idiot when she tells you that there's no shame in seeking help from a professional stranger, and medication can help.

You've got this, Tom. Kick its ass.

EDIT: And regarding Yuengling, it's...okay, I guess? I'll drink it, but it's not my first choice. If I'm going to drink something that tastes like Heineken, I'll drink Heineken.
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 06:38 AM   #1990
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Default Re: zp life update thread

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Is...is this a British colloquialism? I've never heard this.
It's a reference to this.
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 06:58 AM   #1991
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Well, that certainly clarif-

Quote:
Perhaps it was because I lacked the emotional depth necessary to panic, or maybe my predicament didn't feel dramatic enough to make me suspicious, but I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing.
...-ies things.

Yeah, I'm taking this as my queue to go to bed.
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 10:38 AM   #1992
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Default Re: zp life update thread

That really sucks, Tom. Feeling numb was in a lot of ways worse than then when I had my periods of intense soul pain. I don't know how much I can add that people haven't, but have you ever thought about trying out therapy? It's not everyone's bag, but sometimes people just need to talk things out with a stranger in person.

also here's a comic about pokemon that might help: https://medium.com/mammon-machine-ze...685#.cr375852y
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 12:26 PM   #1993
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Default Re: zp life update thread

thanks guys yall are p nice

can i just go to a walk-in CVS clinic and ask for drugs like

is that an option? does it have to be a therapist
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 12:40 PM   #1994
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Default Re: zp life update thread

donotfeartherapists


Playing pretend with the others obviously isn't any fun if you aren't trying to pretend along with them

I liked your short stories Tom. Self-neglect and the not-having-purpose-feels aside, I thought it was a bit weird that you stopped since you seem like you actually enjoy writing.
Also I love your ordered lists.

Making things and setting goals for yourself to accomplish is important, be they little or large
I've got one going atm where I try to make a box of red disappear within 24 hours
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 12:43 PM   #1995
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donotfeartherapists


Playing pretend with the others obviously isn't any fun if you aren't trying to pretend along with them

I liked your short stories Tom. Self-neglect and the not-having-purpose-feels aside, I thought it was a bit weird that you stopped since you seem like you actually enjoy writing.
Also I love your ordered lists.

Making things and setting goals for yourself to accomplish is important, be they little or large
I've got one going atm where I try to make a box of red disappear within 24 hours
thanks pirate, thats very kind of you to say. i have a weird relationship with writing in that its not really a medium that thrills me anymore. i love storytelling, and i love theorycrafting, and i love outlining, but when it comes to writing itself i just kind of feel like its

limited?

at least, compared to what i want to do. but then again i dont know what i want to do so

i like the goal of drinking, though. thats one goal i can get behind with gusto
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Old Mar. 18, 2017, 02:47 PM   #1996
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thanks guys yall are p nice

can i just go to a walk-in CVS clinic and ask for drugs like

is that an option? does it have to be a therapist
if you just want to try medications you actually don't need to go to a therapist on the regular, you just have to get a prescription from a psychiatrist which only takes one appointment and follow ups every few months
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Old Mar. 27, 2017, 08:30 PM   #1997
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Yeah I literally just went to a psychiatrist, I talked to him for like 15 minutes and walked out with a cool perscription

edit: update, Yesterday I ate three crispy chicken sandwiches in addition to the normal amount of food I would eat, today I ate an entire extra baguette like I'm fucking bugs bunny, I feel like normal otherwise though (like good normal) but I sort of get the feeling that I'll just die of diabetes if I stay on this stuff for more than a couple months
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the only thing id like to say in regards to it is that like ive said before i think it bears reminding that white or i guess in this case cis babyism is a thing that shouldnt be trivialized

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Old Apr. 26, 2017, 12:54 AM   #1998
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Hey so Phil's Professional Mental Health update-

I went into my school's counseling center and told them I've been thinking about suicide, they were very concerned so I like lied about how bad it was cuz I don't want them to lock me up.

I went in because I was planning to stop taking the drugs I was talking about in the last post because they were fucking with me super bad, and I wanted some like advice on if that was a good idea, the counselor more or less agreed that that was the right thing to do, which was cool.

They were sort of surprised that I was on them in the first place, also while talking to them I sort of got the distinct sense that they were super pissed at how much my previous psychiatrist and therapist fucked up. Like I dunno when I talk to people I can come off as pretty normal and affable especially after I talk to somebody for a while.

Anyway I never really talked to anybody about this but when I was like 18-20 I had this whole thing where I thought I could maybe make it as a comedian, and like truth is I probably could I'm the right kind of funny the right kind of person to do it (tall slouchy white guy), and like literally nothing makes me happier than having a bunch of people laughing at a joke I made, the "comedy boom" was kicking into gear, like the way I saw it it was what my entire life was building up to it, IT JUST MADE SENSE.

But like I half dropped out of college and like really just almost completely isolated myself socially, with the exception of you guys, like I remember at the time like staying up all night just punching cars in saints row crying listening to podcasts I was so fucking lonely and I saw no way out of that loneliness, and now I'm sort of realizing that I just sort of did that for the last like 7 or so years of my life, and I'm not sure how it happened. Like I have all of these theories about who the fuck let me do that to myself (it's my parents it's always been my parents, it's 1000% my dad's fault I have problems with anxiety like there's medical proof that fucking repeatedly screaming at/ occasionally hitting a kid for fucking up when they're trying their hardest is a bad parenting move, and my mom is sort of a weird emotions monster etc.).

but anyway I don't think about becoming a comedian anymore like, I blew pretty much all of my "stupid pipe dream" time on feeling nothing and sleeping in late, and that's ok I guess, like I'm not owed a staff writer position on whatever hot comedy property is coming out of NY in 2022. And like the thing is right now I feel like I'm actually coming out of that years long funk in a real way, and I do think that if I manage to like keep up with therapy and take adhd medication and exercise. I don't see why I couldn't get some sort of part time job, start talking to people, get a comp sci degree move to Boston and reconnect with some old friends who's friend groups I can infiltrate (maybe I should start on that now?) and have a super comfortable back 2/3s of my life, like we should all be so lucky.

It's just that like, I dunno as I'm coming out of it like the way I used to think about how my entire life was leading to me becoming a comedian, like right now that same part of me is sort of thinking that my entire life is leading to me throwing myself off of a bridge and it's a real bummer. I dunno maybe I should do an open mic or something so that I won't kill myself lol.
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the only thing id like to say in regards to it is that like ive said before i think it bears reminding that white or i guess in this case cis babyism is a thing that shouldnt be trivialized

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Old Apr. 26, 2017, 02:08 AM   #1999
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Default Re: zp life update thread

Yeah I mean if you can flip that switch from comedian to suicide then logically you can switch it to something else right

I've always thought you were very funny and I enjoy even your very dumb jokes so maybe you don't even have to be A Comedian to fulfill that part of yourself

I struggle with that with being A Writer/An Artist with that a lot too

Anyway maybe let's rename the Skype chat to Let's Agree Not To Kill Ourselves again
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Old Apr. 26, 2017, 02:23 AM   #2000
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Thanks gil, you're the best and i wish you were my mom
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the only thing id like to say in regards to it is that like ive said before i think it bears reminding that white or i guess in this case cis babyism is a thing that shouldnt be trivialized

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